Friday, August 17, 2012

I'm Opening this post on Relationships...by starting with Open Relationships.

So today I've decided to talk about open relationships (by the way, I'm going to end up using my Fridays to explain to you my logic of important relationship things, important issues I want to address, and my own dating advice, for a bit.)

Anyways, this post stemmed from two close friends of mine (who may or may not read this post) who apparently have decided to be in an open relationship.

Which I have nothing against.

Except a) there's some personal issues going on there I can't discuss here, b) I think they're silly. I would say stupid, but stupid is a mean harsh word and I don't intend to be mean. Maybe harsh, but not mean.

So there's a number of reasons I don't like open relationships. And I'm going to use a picture to help explain me.

  1. They just ususally don't work out. And this happens for a number of reasons. Mostly jealously, but there's other reasons. But I'll just talk about jealously here because the other points for this one are really their own points. 
    1. Jealousy. Yep, to me at least, there will always be at least one person who gets jealous. Even if both B and C agree to it, either A or D will get jealous (or both). If B and C both agree, B could still be jealous but just doesn't want to say anything because B doesn't want to ruin anything. 
      1. And I have my own experience with this. When I and this guy first figured out that we liked each other (I actually knew for a while that he liked me because he was being pretty obvious about it), he told me that he was in an open relatinship with this other person (it was an open-long-distant relationship from what I gathered). And I thought about it and said that he'd have to break up with her to date me because I figured she'd get jealous (which turned out turn when he did break up with her and this eventually led to some issues I'll post about later). 
  2. B is always wanted to get with C, but C kinda likes B but also likes D. This also comes with another point I'll get to in a sec. But I've noticed this and I make this statement because usually at least one person likes someone else and can't make up their mind. In the diagram above, C & B agree that they like each other, but they also both like another person. So what do they do, call it and open relationship so that they get the best of both worlds. 
  3. I think its cowardly. In a way, so let me explain. This person, say C (because I want to blame this all on C) just can't decide who to be with. So instead of sorting out their feelings, making a choice, or just staying friends with them until they decide, C, calls it an open relationship. 
  4. Dating is for marriage. For me at least it is. I understand it when people date for fun, they like a person and want to get to know them better, or they're too young to get married. But when I look at someone and want to date them, I'm always going to think, "Can I see myself marrying them?". Why? Because the point of dating (when it comes to it) is to find someone to marry. 
    1. Dating should be exclusive because of marriage. Unless you're a polygamist, when you marry someone, you're marrying just one person. And going off and seeing someone else while you're married is called adultry. (In normal dating, its called cheating.) You cannot have have an open marriage, otherwise, its basically a polygamist marriage. And those are wrong. (Cause God intends for there to be one man and one wife.) Sure, dating is your chance to see two people, your chance at an open relationship, but in the end, you're going to have to cut the crap, and choose. 
  5. An open relationship is basically saying:
    1. "I kinda like you, but not enough to actually date you."
    2. "I want to date someone else but not hurt you."- I want to expand on this point because truthfully, it is its own point. Say C is already in a relationship with B, but wants to date D now. And C knows that if they break up with B, B will be hurt. So instead of breaking up with B and hurting B, C says that they're in an open relationship so that they're free to date anyone else and not get in trouble with it. (Point 3, its cowardly). 
    3. "I am allowed to go and screw anyone else I like and you can't object because we're in an open relationship. I am also allowed to screw other people and then screw you too." (Sorry if my points start to sound like other ones. They kinda overlap and repeat in different forms.)
  6. Its basically friends with benefits. Except friends that are a little bit more romantic with each other. And this point is why I don't consider open relationships to be actual dating because to me, dating is exclusive. 
So in the end, with all this mess blurring together, I'm basically saying that I don't like open relationships because they never work out and no matter what, it will never work out with at least one person. (unless you're polygamist). Because when you're dating and its rightfully exclusive, you can either get married (in which it works out) or break up (and in which it doesn't work out). 

So anyways, there's my take on open relationships. I'm not saying I have anything against them, I just don't like them and I would never willingly be in one. While I can see the benefits, I just see more negatives then positives. 

So what's your take on open relationships? Are you in one? Do you know someone in an open relationship? Has anyone you know (or you) been in one where its worked out for the parties who agreed to it? 

Sincerely,
Sareh

4 comments:

  1. But you have to remember that some people choose not to get married at all. If you're a Christian, you almost definitely will, but there are many, many people who are not Christian and who also don't intend to marry. For some people, this kind of relationship works.

    (:

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    1. That is a good point. :) And I was actually thinking of that when I was writing this post, but thank you for pointing it out. And yes I am a Christian and I intend to marry, but I also have friends and family who don't intend to get married for one reason or another. So then, yes, I can see it working out.

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  2. You're so right. I never quite thought about your reasoning that dating is for marriage, though. I think dating is usually something that just comes naturally and comfortably. You like someone, hook up with someone--whatever, and eventually get to know them well enough that one of you asks the other one if they'd like to be in a relationship. BAM. I'd say at this point, neither of them are thinking "gee, I'd really like to marry him/her." But I think, yes, as the relationship progresses, if it doesn't seem to be going anywhere, (like to marriage) then there's no real reason to keep dating!
    I've always thought about open relationships as a sort of friends-with-benefits deal. It's like when you're in a long-term friendship with someone with the understanding that you'll hook up with them when you see them, but you have to let them be free otherwise. It's like the less extreme version of polyamory.
    I just don't think open relationships work. If you're going to acknowledge it as a relationship, make it a committed relationship! If you want to be able to hook up with other people, make it a friends with benefits kind of deal! Someone's bound to get hurt or jealous.

    I love your idea about posting about relationships. I just did a post about what happens after a relationship ended, and I really liked how that one went, so I'll probably be doing more like it.

    Laurel :)

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    1. I agree that dating often "just comes naturally and comfortably." Like my ex and I started out as really great friends and then eventually we realized that we both liked each other. It came naturally.

      I also agree with your last two points. :)

      Thank you! People love coming to me for advice and I love giving advice, and since I love speaking my mind, it just seemed like a good idea. And that's cool!

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